Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
