I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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