I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The Olympian is in my bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
