What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
