i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
