please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
