So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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