she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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