you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
