Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
