I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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