If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
