I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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