alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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