She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
