your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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