During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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