New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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