And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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