ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
