swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
