just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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