if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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