mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
