Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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