I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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