if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize