My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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