sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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