Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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