I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize