Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
