we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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