It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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