I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Farmville is her only friend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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