I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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