i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
