If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Congratulations! We have a period
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