Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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