You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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