John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
