she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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