Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
