woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
