I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
