Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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