Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
