Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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