my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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