I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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