wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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