I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
