My nipple is on Facebook.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
