i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
