I wish I could punch you in the face.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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