when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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