Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize