I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
