She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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