This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
