My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So vagazzling was a success
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