Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
