is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
