May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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