oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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