you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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